I Ain't No Holla Back Girl!

Fellas, please learn how to step to a lady if you’re seriously feelin’ her. If you live by these 4 simple rules, you might actually get a 1st date with a lady with some class.

1. Show some respect. I can’t count how many times I heard this while walking across my college campus: “Pssssst! Say red. Let me holla at you for a minute.” Red? Why don’t you try asking me what my name is? Or even say “Excuse me, miss. What’s your name? Where are you from? Can I take you out tonight?” (Luther Vandross knew what he was talking about!)

2. Ask her out on a real first date! Invite her to the movies, to dinner, or even just for coffee. But for goodness sakes, DO NOT say “Do you want to come over to my crib and kick it or watch a movie or something?” This sends 1 of 4 messages to her: 1) You don’t have enough money for a latte 2) You don’t want to be seen with her in public (maybe b/c you already have a girlfriend 3) You’re really excited that you’re parents are gone for the weekend because you have the whole house to yourself instead of just the basement or 4) It’s a booty call & not a date

3. Don’t “spit game”. But if you must, you might want to make sure that there’s no one in the vicinity that’s gonna mess up your flow. Case in point: I was in a young women’s clothing store at the mall one day. I guess this guy saw me in the store and followed me in. This fool is trying to holla, asking if I have a boyfriend, can he get my number. And then his mother walks in the store!!! She’s like “Boy, leave that young lady alone. She doesn’t want to talk to you.”

4. Don’t get mad. If a woman ignores your feeble attempt to strike up a conversation, there is no need to get mad at her. It’s not her fault that you ain’t got no game. And it’s not her fault that you’re wack. Put the blame where the blame should lie.

The Return of Mr. Big Brother

Yes, 1 of the founders of the Wack Pack, Sean (aka Mr. Big Brother), made an appearance in the true-life sitcom known as my life last week. (please see March archive for background story)

This wasn’t the first time that I had run into Sean since that incident. We had a class together a couple of months ago. He said hi, I said a quick hi & turned back around. And the rest of the day I purposely made sure he didn’t have a chance to talk to me.

My girls had even run into him at the club a while back. When they told me they were like “What would you have said?” So, since I had time to mentally prepare for our next run in, I was able to come up with one of my best 1-liners ever in case he ever tried to talk to me again in life…. “Oh. I didn’t think you wanted to talk to me since you had your little sister to hang out with.”

Last week I was minding my own business at work getting something to drink in our coffee break area. I look up & BAM! There’s Sean right in my face!!! I must admit that I have NEVER been so caught off guard in my entire life. And you might be asking why I was so shocked since we do work for the same company. Well, we don’t even work in the same city let alone the same building or floor!!! And, to my disappointment, I was caught soooo off guard that I didn’t get my 1-liner out. Damn!

So, I’m sitting there having small talk with this fool. He asked me how work was going. Then he said “how is everything else going?” And I was like “Everything’s good. You know there’s always something going on.” And then Sean goes “So, you’re not married yet. Are you?” NO HE DIDN’T! We continued to chit chat for a second before he goes “Well, I don’t want to hold you up….. You look good.” I’m thinking “Of course I look good you jerk.” But I just said “Thank you. Have a nice day.”

Guys always want what they can’t have. And they realize that they missed out on a good thing when it’s so late that they don’t even have a chance anymore! WACK!

That’s what you call “pulling a (fill in the name)”

I felt the need to compile a list of phrases that have been inspired by/coined by some of my friends. So, if you hear someone say one of these, you’ll know what they mean.

Pulling a (fill in the name):
Mario – Pretending you hurt your ankle so bad the day before that you have to stay in your hotel room all day instead of going downstairs to that conference/business meeting.
Earnest – Chillin’ & dancing in the street because you don’t want to pay the hella expensive cover to get in the club
Maya – Having the cops show up at your crib b/c of noise complaints or looking drunk in every picture you take because you always blink
Kristle – Falling and hurting your knees or having knee pain all of the time except when you’re at the club getting your mack on
Joy – Even though the person that you're meeting at the gas station said they'd be there in 2 minutes, you decide to enter the car wash the moment they pull up
Ifeoma – Kicking someone in the stomach when they try to steal your purse

And just in case you don’t get it, here’s a true life example of how to use one of these phrases: “Man, my knees are all scraped up ‘cause I pulled a Kristle last week!”

Black.White.

FX recently aired a reality series called Black.White. This show, co-produced by Ice Cube, has 2 families (black: Renee, Brian & son Nick, white: Carmen, Bruno & daughter Rose) swap races and live together while trying to live as the other race in public.

Now, I know this show is exploring a very serious issue in our country, but I couldn’t help but laugh during the 1st episode. This was when they first did hair & makeup to make the white family look black & vise versa. When Renee saw her husband for the first time as a white man she said that he didn’t even look like someone she’d try & holla at! (lol) & then when Bruno & Carmen see each other they’re acting like newlyweds saying how beautiful the other looks. (I believe Carmen said something about how much she loves color… ? Yeah, I don’t know about that either...) But the funniest thing… Tell me why Rose looks better as a black girl?! LOL. For real! I’m not lyin’! Check it out for yourself.

I’m not going to recap the whole series, but I would like to share some of the highlights (at least for me):

• While at a beauty salon as a black woman, Carmen basically petted this lady’s hair.
• Carmen thought it was a good idea for her & Bruno to wear dashikis when they went to a black church.
• Bruno & Carmen go line dancing (as black people) at a country & western bar decorated with Confederate flag & all
• While the poetry group was over, Carmen called Renee a “beautiful black creature” (???????)
• It’s apparent that Bruno joined the show so he could “freely” toss around the N word
• A white gentlemen at the bar tells Renee “I don’t know how it is in Georgia, but around here blacks don’t want to assimilate and be like the white people. So that’s why they act stupid and are proud of it.” (I know there are some ignorant people out there, but I still can’t believe those words came out of that man’s mouth.
• Bruno Blockers – Phrase coined by Brian to describe how Bruno is always oblivious to the racism going on around him. Everyone sees it but him.
• There was a little case of jungle fever when Rose & 1 of her poetry classmates started getting their flirt on. (You go girl!)
• Nick is 16 & was in the 8th grade before he got kicked out of school. I for 1 wouldn’t have volunteered for a show like this if my son had been acting like a knucklehead. Who wants to air their “dirty laundry” on national TV?
• Renee to Nick “What kind of job do you have, negro, where you can need a $150 watch?!!!” (I know the white family was a little surprised at her disciplining Nick this way, but that’s exactly what they needed to say. A 16 year-old doesn’t need a $150 anything.)

So, do I think the participants learned anything?
Bruno – N-O. This man is totally clueless & still believes that people will treat him the same whether he’s black or white. “Whether I’m white Bruno or black Bruno, I will be treated the same as long as I treat others with respect.” Somebody needs to give him a reality check (or slap him up side his head)
Carmen – Yes, but is still very naïve and clueless about a lot of things
Rose – YES! This is a very open-minded, socially aware and smart young lady. She’s definitely my favorite on the show. I just hope some of that rubs off on her parents….
Brian – Very little. He went in with the mindset that he knew everything & was only there to teach. But it was obvious that both families had something to learn.
Renee – Yes. She learned that all white women don’t knit & scrapbook (lol). When she made friends with a white lady she realized “It’s not a black/white thing. We have things in common because it’s a parent thing.”
Nick – Not much. It was obvious that he was oblivious to his surroundings. How can a young black male not realize that stereotypes are made & he’s treated differently every day he walks down the street?

I’m not sure how beneficial this experiment was for either race as a whole in America. But I do know one thing: Ice Cube found a way to inadvertently (but intentionally) promote his new album by using “Race Card” as the shows theme song.

When R U Getting Married?

This is a question that all single women over 21 hear at least once or twice a week. Frequency of this question will significantly increase if her friends/close relatives are engaged or newlyweds.

Case in point: My sister just got married in November. People kept asking me (despite the fact that she’s eight years my senior) when I was going to get married. I mean, it was really bad. Even the priest that performed the ceremony asked me! It got to the point where I was saying to myself “I’m gonna scream if 1 more person asks me when I’m going to get married!”

As if we don’t already realize we’re single, people feel the need to remind us of this all of the time. Another case in point: Let’s go back to New Year’s Day. I’m at my parents’ having our traditional New Year’s Day lunch with black eyed peas and all (they’re supposed to bring you good luck if you eat them on New Year’s). So my dad says “You better eat some of those. This might be your year.” And I said “My year for what?” His reply: “You might find yourself a man this year!” (Now this was, in part, in jest. But it is also just more fallout from my sister’s wedding.)

Now, this question frustrates me, but I am usually just polite and laugh it off. But I really just want to say “Um, I’m only 23”. I mean, I know that way back in the day people got married when they were 15 (provided the father provided a dowry of 5 goats, 8 hens and 2 horses). But this is 2006 and being 23 & unwed does not make me an old maid. Also, I haven’t found the right person. I’m not just gonna hook up with someone from the Wack Pack just so I can say “I got a man”.

Now, we do understand peoples’ concerns. However, let me point out right now that no woman needs a man. (We may want them but we don’t need them.) And some of us aren’t stressing out about our biological clocks ticking. There are other wonderful options out there like having a surrogate or adopting. So stop asking when we’re gonna get married!

On the DL

As if it isn’t hard enough to find a man already... Controversy began to stir in the African-American community when J.L. King’s book, On the Down Low: A Journey into the Lives of 'Straight' Black Men Who Sleep with Men, was published in 2004. And uproar was once again raised last year when it was announced that Terry McMillan was divorcing her husband because he was gay. Using these two media grabbing events as a platform, BET aired its most controversial documentary to date, The Down Low Exposed, last week. So I thought it was only fitting for me to throw in my 2 cents…

Men being on the down low. Now, this concept wasn’t something new to me when this book came out. I had read a few of E. Lynn Harris’ books. But that was fiction, and King’s book pulled it into reality. On the Down Low was very enlightening and I recommended that all my sistas read it. We really don’t know what people are doing when we’re not with them. This man was married with kids while doing his down low dizzle. An interesting point in the book was that a lot of these DL men have truly convinced themselves that they aren’t homosexual. That’s why some of them get married. So now they are lying to themselves and someone who is in love with them. My advice in this situation is be true to yourself and you will save a lot of people heartache.

As far as Terry McMillan…… Sista girl! What can I say? We were all happy to read that you got your groove back in ’97 and I’m sure it provided hope to women out there. They didn’t feel like it was wrong to be with a younger man. They thought that a vacation fling could really last. They realized that opposites do really attract. But then all hope was lost when news of the divorce came and people started speculating that this island boy was just trying to get a free ride and a green card. (I personally was convinced of this when this fool tried to get some of her money in the divorce settlement. What has he done to deserve that? Not a damn thing.) But my question is: How did you not know that he was gay/bisexual/a gold digger? I know that there are men on the DL, but I honestly can’t figure out how she never suspected anything! (If you saw that interview they did on Oprah last year, you would think the same thing.)

But Terry did make a really good point and has a right to be angry at her ex. Not only did he lie to her and betray her trust, but he put her life in danger. God only knows what he could have brought home to her. And who knows? One of his “special friends” could have gone crazy with jealousy and attacked her! (Please note that could happen if your husband is cheating with a man or woman.) Come on. No one wants their life story to be the Lifetime movie of the week.

So, it’s already slim pickings out there on the dating scene. Now I have to worry about my boyfriend/ fiancé/ husband being on the DL? So married women need to use protection all the time with their spouse? Ummm, what if you want to have children? Nope. Guess you’ll just have to strap it up all the time and get artificially inseminated! Hello quintuplets!