Hot Mess Award: Week of 6-26-06

1. Baytown Police Dept. & Library: When a lady was pulled over this week, she was arrested. Why? Not because she was drunk or had drugs in her car, but because there was a warrant out for her arrest because of an overdue library book. Come on! Is it really that crucial? I think not.

2. Global Forum Planning Committee: Global Forum is a conference held in London for new hires at my company. This year the planning committee decided to hold it the week of the 4th of July. This is just WRONG on so many levels! 1. It’s a holiday and people usually have plans (is it proper to celebrate the 4th of July while you’re in Britain?) 2. It’s during quarter financial close which is super busy for us accountants. 3. Because I have to leave the weekend before, I’m going to miss the Essence Festival. For those of you who don’t know, Essence magazine hosts this big event with a ton of great musical acts annually in New Orleans. But this year it will be held right here in Houston. Just my luck that I wouldn’t be able to go the one year it’s in Houston!

And the winner is…
Rev. Jesse Jackson & the Rainbow/PUSH Coalition. They are leading a boycott of BP to protest high gasoline prices, as well as what the group perceives to be a lack of African-American representation in the company. Here’s why this is totally bugging me:

• No 1 company pulls gas prices out of the air and says “Hey, I think we should charge $8/gallon this week.) Have you ever taken Economics?
• People complain about gas prices but don't hesitate to pay $2 for a little bottle of water.
• Most gas stations make more profit off of stuff they sell in the convenience store and not the gas from the pump. (gas sales to individual consumers at the pump is a very small portion of an oil company’s revenue)
• BP just sponsored a PUSH conference and has been recognized numerous times for it's support of diversity.

D.C.: The Good, The Bad, & The Wack

I had a business trip to D.C. last week (Thanks, Kristle!). And I can’t help but comment on my experience…

The Good:

• Even though it was a business trip, I did have a chance to fit in some fun and do some sightseeing.
• We went out to Club Fur. I really like this place because the DJ was good and there was a diverse crowd there.
• I have to give a shout out to the Concierge at our hotel, Jimmy. He was very professional and friendly, but didn’t mind breakin’ it down for us when we asked him about D.C.’s nightlife. And all of this was just friendly banter without him trying to holla at us. I gotta give props to someone who knows how to act right on the job but can “keep it real” when you ask him to.
  
  

The Bad:

• We flew Southwest and everyone was lining up to board 3 hours before the flight (some even putting their suitcase in line to hold their place). These people were waiting in line like they were trying to get into the club for free before 11 p.m.!
• I usually have a car service pick me up from the airport when I go on business trips. They’ve always been excellent. But this time, my driver didn’t know where the hell he was going! What’s wack is that he knew that he didn’t know where he was going but never asked. And when I finally took over and started dictating directions to him, he didn’t know the difference between his right and left.
  
  

& The Wack:

• When security searches your purse at Fur, they’ll throw away any gum that they find.
• I was all excited because LL Cool J was supposed to be hosting the party that night. But we left at 3:30 and his wack a** still hadn't shown up. This Lady doesn’t Love Cool James anymore.
• The guys at the club there are extremely aggressive! Like Fergie says in My Humps: “Don’t pull on my hand, boy! You ain’t my man, boy!”

Hot Mess Award: Week of 6-12-06

Runner-up goes to FEMA. Shame on the government for giving out $1.4 billion in bogus assistance to victims of Hurricanes Katrina and Rita

And the winner is.... The people who submitted bogus claim reports to FEMA. Reports say that "hurricane victims" spent aid money on Girls Gone Wild videos, season football tickets, a divorce lawyer and an island getaway vacation. Shame on y'all for taking money away from those who are really in need and wasting the money of us hardworking tax payers!!!

The New Way to Approve a Man

I didn't make up this application, but I thought it was too funny not to share. (Like I said, there's nothing wrong with knowing who you're dealing with!)

Name (Last, First Middle):
Address (City, State, Zip):
Telephone (home, work & cell):
Date of Birth (including year):
SS#
Weight:
Height:

Do you live with any of the following? (circle all that apply):
Grandmother, Parents, Mother, Father, Girlfriend, Boyfriend, Baby Mama, Shelter, Wife, Auntie, Other

Any Children? (circle yes or no) If yes, how many?
How many Baby Mamas?
If more than one, please name below. Use separate sheet of paper if need more room.
1.
2.
3.
Ever been married (circle yes or no). If yes, how many times?
Are you or have you ever been on the Down Low? (circle yes or no) (If you answer "Yes" STOP RIGHT HERE!!)
Do you owe child support? (circle yes, no, don't know)

Education:
Do you have a high school diploma or GED? (circle yes or no)
Name of high school if applicable:
*If you did not complete any of the above, please stop here and return to school.
Any college? (circle yes or no)
Still Enrolled? (yes, no, graduated)

Have you ever been to jail? (circle yes or no)
If yes, what for? (be very specific)

Have you ever been to prison? (circle yes or no)
*If you have answered yes to the above question, please stop here and call your P.O. immediately.

Employed? (circle yes or no) *If no, please stop here unless you are in school.
If yes, where and how long?
Do you have health insurance? (circle yes or no)
When did you last visit the dentist?
When was the last time you have been to the doctor? What for?
List any (all) illnesses. Use separate sheet of paper if needed.
Do you have or have you had any of the following? (please circle all that may apply): Hepatitis A or B or C, Herpes, Mononucleosis, HIV/AIDS, The Bird Flu, West Nile Virus, Crabs, Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, SARS, Head Lice, Ringworms, Boils, Sex Change, Shingles, Meningitis, Measles, Mumps, Ebola, Bunions, Something that you can't spell

Do you or have you ever used (ingested in any way) any of the following (circle all that apply): Crack/Cocaine, Heroin, Paint Markers, Ecstasy, Glue, Bad pills, Snuff, Anything under the kitchen sink

*Please use a separate sheet of paper to compile a list of goals and accomplishments.

By signing below, you agree that all of the information given above is true to the best of your knowledge. For my protection, you may be asked to provide the following information upon request: state ID, birth certificate, recent payroll stub, a recent clean bill of health from a certified physician or practitioner.
Falsifying information may result in termination of this relationship (if applicable), and immediate induction into the Wack Pack. (ok, obviously I added that part. lol)

Applicant's Signature:
Date:
Print Name :

Hot Mess Award: Week of 6-4-06

1. Intermittent Explosive Disorder. Yes, they have officially given road rage a medical diagnosis. I can just see someone saying to the judge “I’m sick. I couldn’t help pulling out my gat on I-10 because I have intermittent explosive disorder.”

2. The teachers who got caught gettin’ their freak on in a middle school classroom. And they admitted this wasn't the first time they did it. What is wrong with people?!

3. The police officer who was singing at a ceremony and didn’t know the words to the national anthem. I’m sorry, but there is no reason for an officer of the law not to know the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner. And this wasn’t an honest “I’m really nervous and my mind totally blanked” situation. This fool knew he didn’t know the words as soon as they asked him to sing.

4. People who don’t have proper work etiquette. Please do not get totally wasted at an event where several of your co-workers are in attendance. Also, if someone wants to take you out for a business lunch (that the company will be paying for) do not invite someone else without asking first. And lastly, please do not send an e-mail out to 5 list serves (~250 people that you don’t know at work) to let them know about auditions for a reality TV show.

And the winner is….. Dawn & Demetrius Lawson from the reality TV show Wife Swap. This couple follows the teachings of a book entitled Fascinating Womanhood which says that a woman’s role is to submit to her husband and serve his every need. HELL NAW! Reality check lady: This is not 1960 and you are not June Cleaver!

If you haven’t seen the show, each woman writes a household manual for the “new wife”. You can click here to read hers in its entirety, but I’d like to highlight some of the most disturbing passages:

“I would never do anything to undermine my husband's masculinity, including working outside the home. Some professions are especially inappropriate for women. We believe that women should never be police officers or fire fighters. Women need to be protected, not protect.” “Men need to feel strong and masculine, and I wouldn't feel comfortable taking on male characteristics, like being assertive, decisive and powerful. My husband has the final say in all decisions, and I submit to that authority.” “If I have a bad day, I never trouble my husband by telling him about it. He has enough to worry about.” “My husband controls the money. I let him know what I need for groceries, cleaning supplies and clothes for the kids, and he decides what he will give me. I don't spend money without asking him.”

The Hot Mess of the Week Award

I’ve decided that I need to give out a weekly “Hot Mess” Award. There are just too many deserving people in this world not to recognize them. So each award entry I’ll list my nominees and then who I think the winner is. But feel free to post who your pick for the week is! So, here are my nominees and winner:

1. People who use “reply all” instead of “reply” when responding to e-mails. I was particularly annoyed at work this week when someone did this. Basically, they replied to all just to ask “Why am I getting this meeting notice? I’m in Canada.” First of all, you only need to reply to the person that sent it to you. Secondly, they provide not only teleconferencing but also web conferencing information for this meeting. And lastly, you need to realize that you are getting this e-mail because you are on a list serve. If you don’t want to be on that list anymore, contact the owner.

2. Mariah Carey. No, Mimi didn’t have another nervous breakdown. She’s about to go on tour and is charging $130 for a ticket. Does she think she’s Prince or Madonna? Sorry honey, but you haven’t been around as long as them.


3. Men who try and mack on women but tend to leave out the fact that they are married and have kids. Enough said.

4. Snoop Dogg. I just saw that he did a song with the Pussycat Dolls. I'm sorry, but anyone who claims they're 'gansta' should not be doing a song with the Pussycat Dolls.

5. The Pussycat Dolls. OK, let's be realistic. Only 1 of the girls out of the group can sing. Honey, you need to get your own record deal.

And the winner is….. The Kool-Aid Twins. (A picture is worth a thousand words.)